Long days

Thank you to everyone for commenting. I didn't expect anyone to still be keeping tabs on this blog. I just needed to write something. I'm lost at the moment as to how to find my way back from all this. I am seeing a counsellor again today who I saw after I had PND following Emily's birth.
I feel inadequate, broken and so sad. Why didn't I just bounce back? Why am I still living with all this hanging over me?

I think my husband is frustrated. He has no idea what to say to me, just keeps telling me to do things I enjoy and to do things for me. I don't know how to do that. All I know how to do is look after Emily and I feel that even that is not good enough right now. I live with a constant feeling of dread that something horrible is going to happen to us all. My husbands work is all short-term contracts so I find myself worrying about that all the time. I don't know how to not worry any more. It's become a habit, I feel like I can't let my guard down, I have to be prepared for something horrible to happen.

I know it all stems back to Jacob, to his death, and the turmoil that it created in my life. If that can happen then what else can go wrong?

I am jealous of all those that have gone on to have a second baby. We are never going to have another baby. Mentally I'm not able to go through it all again. That in itself makes me feel sad.

The days are long at home - really long. I don't know what to do with myself. I have always worked, work filled my time, kept me busy, and distracted me from worry. I need to learn how to manage without work. How do I do that?

There is no point wishing I hadn't done certain things, but I can't help myself. I never should have left my old job, I think deep down I knew it was a mistake, but I ignored that inner voice telling me so. The only thing I can think though is I was a mess and only just coping in a job that had become easy due to a lack of direction within the company. It enabled me to stay at work and manage my anxiety. Maybe things would have gone wrong even there. The job was going to get more stressful, more would have been expected of me; I probably would have crashed out there too.

Everyone keeps telling me to take time out. To look after myself to heal myself. I just don't know how.

So hard

Why is life so hard?

I have been suffering from anxiety since Emily was born and it has reached a ridiculous level. I am no longer working. I started a new job and had a breakdown. I couldn't cope, my anxiety was ridiculous. I am back on medication. I get anxious about sleeping. I have no idea how I'm going to get a new job. If it wasn't for Emily I don't know what I'd do.

WHY IS MY LIFE SO MESSED UP!?

Stillbirth rate in UK one of Europe's highest

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/apr/14/stillbirths-babies-uk-lancet-report

Shameful...

Three

Three years ago today we found out you'd died. Three years ago tomorrow we went into hospital to have you. Three years ago on Wednesday you were born. Even after three years it still leaves me speechless.